“The Beauty of Anger"
Article by Kristin Denton
MagicRelationship.com
Anger is an emotion that gets an incredibly bad rap. People are
put into classes by the courts to learn how to control their anger.
Kids are sent to their rooms until they can act ‘nice.’
Partners take great pains not to reveal their anger to their significant
other for fear that they’ll be either a ‘bitch’
or an ‘abusive husband.’
Good grief, there’s a lot of pain, embarrassment and shame
around this emotion!
But, do you know what? To even think that anger is ‘unhealthy’
is an evaluation that’s unfair and unproductive.
Actually, it’s the thinking behind the anger that usually
isn’t so useful. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg writes about this
in his book, “Getting Past the Pain Between Us,” (available
at cnvc.org).
Anger itself merely alerts us to a disharmony between our thoughts
and reality. And in all actuality, it’s very valuable for
letting us know that some changes need to be made.
The hard part, though, is analyzing the thoughts behind the anger
to decide what we need to change. First we have to decide what need
of ours is not being met so that we’re feeling this anger.
And to discover that need, it’s useful t o use our emotions
as a guide.
- Fear would lead us to believe that what we’re lacking
is safety – either emotional or physical.
- Disappointment would lead us to believe that what’s
lacking is satisfaction, appreciation, accomplishment...
- Confusion would lead us to the need for clarity and understanding.
- Loneliness would lead to connection.
- Overwhelm would lead us to the need for peace and harmony.
Once you’ve identified what the lack is in your life, then
you can make a decision to change the ways things are. And even
more importantly, you can begin to act on these decisions.
Depression is often the result of feeling helpless, as though we’re
going to be stuck in a situation forever. Actually, if you’re
good and angry, you’re probably not suffering from depression
– depression is more like low-grade, long-term anger. It’s
what I wrestle with. and I know that to get myself out of the depression,
I have to make changes.
What’s disappointing about the above process, is that I’d
usually like immediate relief from the anger and depression. But
that never happens. Usually, I won’t be able to really make
some changes in my life for the better until I can talk with the
person who’s bothering me, or get more money to do the thing
that will make me happier, etc.
But once you’ve made the decision to change things, then
you can calm down a bit, knowing that it’s just a matter of
time before everything will be so much better. You can start right
now with studying; planning and getting ready to make the big change
that’s going to rock your world into something you love.
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