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Do you know anybody who always has to have the last word?
But I’d say that’s one of the basic fallacies of the control myth. It is awful and I would never wish that kind of abuse on anybody, but what’s really more evil is how much it harms the control freak him or herself. Think about it: they can never get away from the critical, controlling thoughts that are always there in their own head. Imagine living a life that is fully controlled... it couldn’t be much fun. The ‘successful’ businessman or entrepreneur has
control over their emotions... and their lives... and their
business... and the results their employees produce. We believe that
small changes in the business are okay, but anything that happens
quickly or without planning is bad and should be avoided and
controlled somehow. Some people believe that control will make a relationship successful as well. They think, “If only the other person would do things the right way, I KNOW everything would be great. Why are they so frigging stubborn?” Ever had that thought? It’s the root of a whole lot of relationship troubles. A very insightful client wrote to us: “One of my greatest struggles comes from trying to control—my husband, my children, and my circumstances. You name it; I want to make it go the way I think it should go, and grab the responsibility to try to ensure the outcome.” Sound like anybody you know? Maybe even yourself? Admit it – we all have a bit of the control freak in us. It’s just more pronounced for some people. If you’re a control freak or have any inclination toward that, here’s my relationship advice: give yourself a large dose of empathy. Yup, you have to work on yourself to make the relationship better. You have to recognize that everything we do in life is to meet a beautiful need. Looking back at the letter we got from our client – her beautiful needs are probably for contribution to her family, and safety from emotional pain like embarrassment and frustration. So she takes control to ensure that nothing goes wrong and she won’t be embarrassed. The sad thing is that that much control prevents her, the controller, from really experiencing life fully and enjoying her relationships with her family. And here’s another HUGE issue most control freaks have: usually, controlling people don’t see their own needs as beautiful. Controlling behavior comes from a fear of embarrassment and frustration in a lot of cases. The controller has a beautiful need for safety. But when the controller doesn’t see their own need for safety as beautiful they may lash out verbally and be aggressive and pushy to make sure the other person tries to meet that need. Why would anybody not see their own need as beautiful? Probably because as a child they decided that nobody else was seeing their needs as beautiful. Maybe their caretaker didn’t always meet their needs. Maybe they were one of many children and their needs came real low on the totem pole. Maybe they had doting parents who were really trying to meet their own needs, not the child’s needs. And so they grew up thinking their own needs don’t matter to anybody. Since they don’t see their own needs as beautiful, they’re sure that nobody else will see it as beautiful either. And so they yell and insult and cajole and belittle to get their needs met. That’s why I say the controller needs a huge dose of empathy to begin to heal. Once they get the empathy for the pain they’re in around their needs not being met, then they can begin to look for other strategies that are more likely to get their needs met – like asking calmly and without all of the negative energy behind it. Once upon a time, my ex boyfriend asked me how I wanted the porch to look. He was going to begin construction on a porch for my house. I told him the dimensions and railings I wanted. Then he told me ‘no.’ He said my idea just wasn’t going to do. Why did he ask in the first place if he wasn’t going to listen to me? I took that to be one more incident of controlling. I was telling myself the story that he never let me deicide a single thing. And often enough he really did listen to me, but then he'd say no, and then later come up with the same idea on his own. As long as he thought it was his idea, it was okay! I had to recognize that underneath his desire to always be right, was a beautiful need for his own safety and protection – and he probably thought he was protecting me as well. He didn’t want me to have a poorly designed porch and later have it sagging and ugly. what he needed was an incredibly large dose of empathy. Instead, I remember blowing up at him. The porch never got built. Recently, in my current relationship, Paul asked me which internet website name I believed would be best for our new blog. I told him I didn’t really see why he was asking me since nothing I say is ever good enough. He can always find something wrong with what I say. I told him, though, and he immediately told me why my suggestion would be a poor choice. I had to take a deep breath and give myself empathy for the pain I was in around not being heard. I also thought about Paul’s needs to make sure that our web site was well-named. He was protecting both of us from a website failure. Luckily, I had let Paul know how disappointing it is for me to give my opinion and have it be ignored. As he told me ‘no’ he thought for a minute and then remembered my request. He decided to go with my choice for the website, and so now we have a blog at www.MagicRelationship.net. :) And there’s one more point about the control freak I’d like to make. I think everybody will be able to find a bit of this in themselves as well – we all have a desire to ‘fix’ things for the people we love. Think about it: when your child comes to you with a problem, don’t you want to fix it? When your beloved comes to you with a problem, don’t’ you want to fix it? Of course you do! You love them, and usually you think you can see exactly how their problem can be fixed. Every day at your job you are paid and valued by the problems you can fix – it means you have control over the situation... And yet, once you go home, trying to solve problems and ‘fix people’ can be a very dangerous thing as far as your relationship is concerned. For example, your partner comes home from work and tells you about how stressed she is and that her boss, once again, changed her job description to include more duties. The normal reaction to this would be to offer advice, to tell her what she ‘SHOULD DO’ to fix the problem. It's obvious to you, so you say to her, “Honey let me tell you what to do. Just say no.... Tell the boss politely, but firmly you are not going to do it.” To your surprise, rather than being happy and thanking you for your wisdom she becomes even more upset, defensive and resistant. At that point you're fixing – and controlling. Anytime you offer advice or try to educate someone without offering empathy (listening and understanding) first, you are ‘fixing' the person. And, unlike problems, people don't like to be fixed. People see fixing as a form of control. So what's the good news? The good news is that you can stop the pain of fixing by giving empathy at the very beginning, before offering education (or advice). You can make the decision to stop fixing people and start listening and understanding. It will take a lot of practice, but it is worth
every minute of it. And how do you give empathy? Through the 4 Steps
Intimacy Formula. The 4 Steps of the Magic Relationship Method is
the process of giving and receiving empathy. |
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