"He Doesn't Listen!"
By Paul Sterling
MagicRelationship.com
One issue I run into when we're coaching clients is this: "He doesn't listen
to me. Even when I talk to him about things, it only helps for a
day or two, if at all."
And here are the steps to
addressing this issue...
The 4-Step Communication Formula of the Magic Relationship Method works by connecting and expressing the feelings and needs of
both people in a conversation. So, look at our burning question:
"He doesn't listen to me. Even when I talk to him about
things, it only helps for a day or two, if at all. "
The first thing to say to the significant other in this case would
be to state an observation, speaking from the heart, “When
I was talking to you just now, you turned around and walked away....
“
This is an observable behavior. We try to get away from stating
generalities like, "You never listen to me!" That’ll
only create more problems. It’s best to wait until you observe
the behavior again, and then start your communication with an observation.
Next connect the feelings and needs you're experiencing when this
happens. "When you turned around and walked away while I was
talking, I felt both sad and frustrated at
the same time, because I have a need for connection with you...”
You can find a list of feelings and needs posted on the website (http://www.magicrelationship.com/articles.htm
in the right hand column). These are the lists that Marshall Rosenberg, PhD, created as part
of the system of nonviolent communication. They are also available
on his website at www.cnvc.org.
I really like to try to stay with the feelings and needs on these
lists because it's so easy to become confused about how to express
one’s own feelings and needs. If you’re like any other human being
on this planet, you’ve learned over the years to kind of hide your
true feelings and needs. Sometimes it takes looking at the list just
to remind yourself of what you could be experiencing.
Finally, the last step to the communication in the Burning Question
situation: "He doesn't listen to me. Even when I talk
to him about things, it only helps for a day or two, if at all.
"
Make a request. Ask, “Would you be
willing to tell me what you heard me say?” This is
ABSOLUTELY necessary! Without it, you don’t know what story
he’s making up in his head about what you just said. It could
be anything. So ask this question and see what he says.
Next, you’ll want to find out what goes on for your partner
in these ‘not listening’ situations. The conversation
for that looks like this: “When you start watching TV like
that when I’m talking, are you feeling anxious because you
need autonomy as an individual?”
It might take repeating this question several times suggesting
different feelings and needs to help your partner identify his true
inner workings.... but its worth the effort! You’ll
feel so much more connected just working on this part of the communication.
Once you’re both clear on what your feelings and needs are
in the situation, THEN you can start looking at strategies (ways)
that will make sure that BOTH of your feelings and needs are met.
I try to make it look so simple here. The hard part is working
up the courage to actually sit down and have this conversation.
You risk your partner’s anger or criticism. But you also create
the opportunity for being really close and intimate with your partner.
Give it a try!
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