"Got Jealousy?"
Article by Kristin Denton
MagicRelationship.com
What do humans and the frilled lizard have in common?
It's that sometimes,
when we’re afraid, we both puff out our faces and ears and
try to act really, really scary.
It's true!
The fear in jealousy is so strong
that it can sometimes make us react to situations like a frilled
lizard, just to make sure that our partner gets the point that we
don't want them to stray.
And how many times has that ever made your beloved admire you more?
Probably not many...
People use the word ‘jealousy’ as a feeling, but Marshall
Rosenberg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication (cnvc.org)
would probably argue that it’s a thought.
For example, ‘abandoned’ is a thought -- it’s
your negative evaluation of somebody leaving you. But what if they
IRS abandoned you and your audit? Is that necessarily negative?
No.... so ‘abandoned’ is an evaluation of, or thought
about, somebody leaving you.
In the same way, ‘jealousy’ isn’t really a feeling
– it’s a thought. The event may be your beloved paying
attention to somebody else in a way that you think means s/he may
leave you (or that they love another person more than you). It’s
the meaning that we attach to the event that we label ‘jealousy.’
The true feeling underneath jealousy is usually fear--that your
beloved will leave you for another person. And fear is usually uncomfortable,
if not down right painful. It awakens our limbic brain (the reptilian
brain) and puts us in a fight or flight mode. We yell, we threaten,
we puff out our ears and try to look real scary and go, “Bwah!
Bwah!!” And generally look real stupid.
So, when you feel triggered by the fear that underlies jealousy,
it would help to call it what it is. Call it fear. Say to your partner:
“Honey,
(Observation) “When I saw you talking to your ex this evening...
(Feelings) “I felt frightened...
(Needs) “Because I have a need for emotional safety in this
relationship.
(Request) “Would you be willing to tell me truthfully if
you’re falling back in love with her?”
Those are the four steps to speaking honestly using Nonviolent
Communication. It’s scary to put your heart out to your beloved
and expose yourself as being afraid. Most people don’t like
to admit they’re scared. But isn’t it a lot better than
fighting like a frilled lizard with your lover? Asking the question
in the nonviolent manner doesn’t imply that your lover did
anything wrong. You’re taking full responsibility for the
feeling of fear, not blaming them for having done anything ‘bad.’
And, of course, this is just one way to ask one little question
about your feelings of jealousy. It may be useful to sit and look
at where in your life somebody did leave you (or worse, didn’t
love you but didn’t leave you, either). Those old wounds may
be coming up now for you to look at, but your present lover may
not be doing anything out of line
And always give your inner reptilian brain--your inner frilled
lizard that puffs out its cheeks and tries to look scary--a lot
of love. You developed that response because at some time you had
a beautiful need for safety in a relationship and your frilled lizard
is just trying to protect you.
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