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"Encouraging the
Silent Partner To
Open Up And Communicate"
Article by Kristin Denton
MagicRelationship.com
One of our coaching
clients told us this was his biggest issue: "Trying to get along with my partner,
because we really don't talk to each other. I wish that we can talk
more about what’s going on with us."
First off, this is a common issue...And it’s not surprising,
considering that our normal Jackal way of communicating is to build
a case against somebody, prove them wrong, and then tell them how
they ought to be doing things. It’s the first of the 5 most common
relationship communication mistakes: Case Building.
Every communication is either building a connection with the other
person, or building a case against them. Every time you speak to
your beloved, think first whether you’re trying to build a
connection or a case.
If you’re new to nonviolent communication and the Magic
Relationship Method, I think it’s really important to understand that
your intention is probably one of the most important
elements of the process.
If your intent is to build a case against somebody, then no matter
what beautiful, nonviolent language you use to express yourself,
your underlying intent will come out anyway. It will show up in
your tone of voice, your gestures, and your facial expressions.
Really, there’s no way to hide it. Most people are really
good at reading ‘vibes’ like babies and horses do.
Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of nonviolent communication, calls
the old-fashioned, biting, harmful language that we all grew up
with, jackal. Jackals aren't really known to be too f friendly.
it's easy to fall into the habit of jackaling your partner -- not
because you're a bad person, but because that's the language you
were brought up with, like the rest of us.
But you're in luck! You have a neo-cortex! yes! You can decide
that you're not going to jackal anybody any more...
Before you speak, stop yourself, and think of what your intent
is. Is your intent to build a case against the other person? if
it is, then jackal on! But if your intention is to build a connection
with the other person, then hold that firmly in your mind as you
begin to speak. The listener will pick that up, too, just like a
baby or a horse.
Try this: before going into a difficult communication situation,
take a deep breath and focus for a moment on your intention. What
do you want out of this interaction – a case against the other
person or a connection with them? Hold an image of the feeling of
love and connection in your mind. Feel that love in your body. Take
another deep breath, and then go into the conversation.
Of course, that doesn’t always work. Even the Buddha would
get triggered with some of the things people say. But as you begin
to learn the four steps of the Magic Relationship Method, this is a very
powerful place to start.
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